Different Kinds of Managers

     Just like potato chips, no two managers are alike. Although I’ve been in retail for a while, I’ve only had a handful of managers due to the fact that I’ve stuck around at the same few jobs for a while. Despite that though, I still have seen enough of the managerial world to share some of the people I’ve had the “honor” of working for.

The Hard Ass Manager

     

     Don’t F with this guy. Akin to a drill instructor, the hard ass manager wants things done perfectly, on time, and with absolutely no excuses.  The hard ass lives for work, so much so that he’ll bring his pre-teen daughters in to work with you for free.  (Yes, that has seriously happened to me before). If a customer complains to the hard ass and drops your name, you better hide in the back of house until the storm blows over, because if the hard ass catches you making one mistake, your ass is grass.

The I Want to be Your Friend but I’m Still Your Manager, Manager

     

     This manager is incredibly frustrating. One second she’s telling you about her wild vacation in Vegas, the next she’s chewing you out for not selling enough promotional items.  She can be incredibly nice and sweet, but really this manager is trying to save her own ass, and since she is under so much stress to do so, she’ll take all of her frustrations out on you. It’s like working for your mom; only she’s a lot more bipolar than your mom is.

The I Care Just as Little About this Job as You Do Manager

    

     This manager feigns authority. The only time they care about the job is when the district manager is coming in to visit. When that happens, they’ll run around like a headless chicken. When that’s not happening though, they’ll make fun of customers with you while you both sit on the counter. This is the manager you actually hang out with after work, but not too often, because that would be, you know, sort of weird.

The Foreign Manager

     

     When asking for direction from the foreign manager, you pick out key words in order to get the jist of what they want you to do. The culture clash that comes with working with a foreign manager can be rather jarring, especially when you’re doing something perfectly normal in America that can be perceived as insulting on another continent. However, sometimes they can be as sweet as your grandparents. Think of the “I want to be your friend manager,” but with a thicker accent.

The I Have No Effing Clue What I’m Doing Manager

     

     This manager can be a real pain to work for. Newly promoted, and in dire need to prove their new authority, this manager will ask you to do one thing, and then tell you to do another 3 minutes later. They leave the store open when its supposed to have closed, they walk out without setting the alarm, and they yell out orders into the walkie like they’re calling 911 about a house fire. You know you can do a better job than them, and you know that shit rolls down hill, so you do your best to work behind the scenes and get the real job done so that hopefully, you can leave only an hour later than you were supposed to, instead of 2.

The Hot/Cool Manager

    

     The hot manager is a blast to work for. You actively seek direction from them, because that’s an extra 30 seconds that they’re actually talking to you. Typically as cool and down to earth as you are, everyone drools over the hot manager, with competitions and wagers starting up to see who will be the first to get into their pants.  Typically, the hot manager is under so much stress and in need of relief from work that someone will in fact get into their pants, so it’s all a matter of who tries the hardest.  Just be careful though. The proverbial “don’t shit where you eat” rings true for the hot manager, especially if things go sour.

Wall Ball

     When I worked at the Swiss chocolate store in the second largest mall in the country, every so often one of my co-workers and I would play wall ball on the loading docks. Really we were supposed to be grabbing product from the stock room, or throwing away empty boxes, but it was nice to get away from the riff raff for a while and get paid while throwing a tennis ball against a wall.

     The loading dock would be empty and quiet for the most part. Except for the janitors and the occasional fellow disgruntled retail employee smoking a cigarette, it was mostly just us throwing a tennis ball around while my co-worker smoked a cigarette himself. Later on during Christmas time it got to be almost impossible to play around though, especially when the Apple store moved in and cops started hanging out down there. But during the summer time, when shipments were slow and the loading gates were open and the breeze blew in, I got to enjoy being a teenager for a bit, instead of a retail slave.

     Later on our storage room was bought out by Abercrombie and Fitch, and so we moved to another storage area on the same level as the store, so there was no real point in going down to the loading docks. When that happened, I’d ride through the hallways behind all the stores on the box cart that we used to transport both our products and our trash to and from the store. It was fun to just ride at breakneck speed through the back alleys of the mall, crashing into both the walls, and the janitors.

    Now that I’m a bit older, its funny working with teenagers and watching how they too try to make the most out of work, without actually working. There’s something mystical about working your first job. It’s your first real taste of the “real world,” but since you’re still young, it’s still sort of your own world. You do what you want with it, because in all honesty, you don’t really care all that much about it. It’s just money for video games, or a movie ticket, and if the manger fires you for using a dolly as a scooter, it’s not that big of a deal, because you were just using the job as an excuse to get out of the house anyway.

    Being older, when I see younger employees goof off, I scowl with the same intensity as a 60 year old, but then I remember I too was once in their shoes, so that later on, when I’m outside bringing in carts and no one’s around, I’ll hop on the back of one and ride it across the parking lot and into the store.  

How to Handle the Secret Shopper

     Now that you know how to recognize a secret shopper, you need to know how to work with them so that you can get the best possible grade on your evaluation, and then brag about it in front of your co-workers. In order to blow the socks off a secret shopper, you pretty much need to follow those stupid “how to interact with our guests” posters that are pinned up all over the break room. But, if you ignore those posters like everyone else, try doing these things.

• Have fun with the secret shopper. Unless they have a stick up their butt, secret shoppers like it when you interact with them like you would one of your friends. Just don’t drop a bunch of f-bombs or talk about how wasted you were last night. But if you talk with them on a personable level, chances are they’ll go easy on you when they fill out their report.
• Show the secret shopper a variety of different products that will match their needs. Secret shoppers like to have choices, especially since they’re being paid to shop. Also, inform the secret shopper of any promotions or sales you have going on, even if the promotion has absolutely nothing to do with the products they’re interested in.
• Check in with the secret shopper. Once you establish communication with them, don’t just ignore them until they check out. Wait a couple minutes, and then come back at least once and ask them if they need any help or anything like that. Secret shoppers don’t like to be left alone for too long.
• When they go to check out, ask to sign up the secret shopper for the rewards card you’re absolutely fed up with trying to push. If anything, this is one of the most important steps. Ask them if they’re interested in any add-ons or impulse buys, and then once you ring them up, do not give them the wrong change. Finally, thank them and invite them back.

It’s as simple as that. Just do what you’re actually supposed to do with every customer, and you should be fine. Crazy, isn’t it? Just keep in mind that not all secret shoppers can be hardasses who want to ruin your day later. Some are quite talkative if they have nothing better to do in their life other than be a secret shopper. Sometimes they can be pretty fun, and sometimes, they can be just as nervous or bashful as you. One time, I sold a bottle of lube to a secret shopper, and when the evaluation came back, she said that she bought “massage oil.” Something was being massaged all right.

Sniffing Out the Secret Shopper

     Hell hath no fury like a secret shopper.  These undercover spies can get both you and your manager in trouble with a flick of a pen. But let’s be real though, its mostly you that gets in trouble. Especially if you’re the one who had the misfortune of assisting the secret shopper. But, if you’re good enough, if you know what you’re doing and you know how to recognize them, a secret shopper can also mean a free meal ticket from your boss.

     Believe it or not, I’ve scored a 100% on a secret shopper evaluation. I’ve also scored a 60%, but we’re not going to talk about that. The key to getting a good grade on your secret shopper evaluation is being able to sniff them out.  I have a sixth sense when it comes to these people. In all actuality I just remember customers really well, and since secret shopper reports usually have a quick turn around, I try and remember who asked me a bunch of questions a couple days earlier. From this correlation, I’ve come up with a handy list of observations so that you too can have a secret shopper sense of your own. 

• Secret shoppers are almost always women, because lets face it, no man likes to shop, and no man asks a bunch of questions when they do. Men know where everything is, and what everything does. Always.
• Secret shoppers always ask questions. Sure, the typical customer asks a question or two, but those questions are usually limited to “where’s the bathroom,” and “why is this so expensive?” Secret shoppers will ask you specific questions about specific products. “Do you have blank in blank color?” “Are there any special deals if I buy blank and blank?” “My son/daughter really likes blank, but I don’t know what to get them for their blank, what would you suggest other than blank?” If a customer is asking you really poignant questions, chances are you have a secret shopper in your midst.
•  There is only one secret shopper a month, unless the company you work for is really cruel. If your secret shopper evaluation already came, congratulations, you can slack off for the rest of the month. If not, stay on your toes until it does. From what I’ve experienced, secret shoppers come in at random times during the day, but usually they come in later in the month. I guess the logic behind this is that corporate doesn’t want you slacking off if they come in earlier in the month. The people who work at corporate aren’t as dumb as you think they are.
•  Secret shoppers will make a point to learn your name, because after all, they have to put the blame on someone. If they’re not staring at your name badge, then they’re asking for your name, maybe so that they can “fill out a survey” or some b.s like that. If they don’t ask for your name, and you aren’t wearing a badge, they’ll just describe your physical features on their report, and unless you work with fifty other people, it’ll be pretty easy to narrow down who was evaluated.

So now that you know how to recognize a secret shopper, you need to know how to handle them. Read how in the next post!

The Day I Met the Greatest Singer Alive

     Ok, not really. But, I did meet Paula Abdul once. When I was a teenager, I worked at a Swiss chocolate store in the mall near where I live.  Since I was a typical teenager with the typical angst, most of my time was spent sitting on the counter reading comic books when my manager wasn’t around. I also used to hook up an iPod and play my own music through the store’s sound system, so while you were shopping for chocolate bars, you could have enjoyed the smooth serenade of Metallica or Iron Maiden. Needless to say I didn’t have much empathy for this place.

     One typical afternoon while I was working, as I ring up this lady, she tells me that Paula Abdul is in the mall. Showing some genuine curiosity, I ask her where and why. Not knowing why, she tells me she saw her go into the H & M store, which just so happened to have been located a stones throw away from where I worked.  I thanked her for the information, and as she left, I contemplated going to see Paula.

     Despite working in the second largest mall in the United States, rarely did I get the opportunity to see any celebrities.  I think I walked by the great baseball manager Joe Torre one time on the way to the bathroom, and I definitely saw a former contestant from the show “Survivor” go up an escalator while I was going down, but other than that, I’d never had the opportunity to meet a celebrity while I was working.

     With “carpe diem” running through my mind, I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper, took off my apron (my uniform), and briskly walked out of the door and closed the gate. Now, later on down the road I would be promoted to shift supervisor (believe it or not), and would be given keys so that I could lock and unlock the front gate to the store. However, this was well after my meeting with Paula. The guy who did have the keys was out walking around somewhere because he hated working at the chocolate store more than I did, and I knew that if I waited too long for him to come back, I’d miss my chance at scoring an autograph. So, in my teenage naiveté, I figured as long as the gate looked like it was locked, and I left a note, then no one would walk into the store. Right?

     So I walked down to H & M, and much to my disappointment, Paula had left. But alas, I would not give up that easily. I walked in and asked an employee if they knew where Paula had went. After informing me that she overheard her and her posse talking about Sephora, I quickly walked out of H & M, and power walked down to the makeup store, which was, conveniently enough, also a stones throw away from where I worked.

     As I got closer to Sephora, I saw a big guy standing out front, whom I assumed had to be some sort of body guard. So I stood and waited. As I was waiting, I stuck my hands in my pockets and, to my horror, I realized that I still had a box cutter in my pocket from when I was putting out freight.  Just great. The last thing I needed was for Paula’s bodyguard to frisk me or something when I asked her for an autograph. “Chocolate Store Employee Rushes American Idol Judge with Box Cutter” would not have been an ideal way to gain fame. 

     As I contemplated chucking the box cutter in the trash, Paula walked out of Sephora with her posse, and started heading down the hallway. I figured it was now or never.

     I walked up to her saying, “Paula! Paula!” God I felt like a 14-year-old girl. Everyone turned around. “Hey! Can I get an autograph?”

     I shoved the pen and paper into her face. “Sure honey.”

     “You can use my back to sign it,” was what I said next. This must’ve been what Justin Bieber goes through every day.

     “No, that’s ok, I’ll use the wall.” As she signed the paper against the wall, I figured that instead of just standing there like an idiot in front of her friends, I should at least try and make some sort of conversation.

     “Hey Paula,” I said, “I work at a chocolate store down the hallway. You should stop by. I’ll give you a discount!” Now I was pandering to the upper class. Wonderful.

     “Aw, that’s so sweet honey, but I’m trying to avoid sweets.”

     “Ah, ok, well that’s cool.” She handed me my pen and the paper with the signature on it. “Hey thanks Paula!”

     “You’re welcome sweetie.” And then she walked off with her posse into the sunset. Really they probably just walked down to the Abercrombie store, but it sounds cooler that way.

     I looked down at the piece of paper. Lots of love and hugs, Paula Abdul.

     It looked like a four year old scribbled it. I’m pretty sure back then the rumor was that she was an alcoholic on pain meds.

     And no, I didn’t get in trouble for leaving the store unlocked. We didn’t have cameras.

How to Look Busy When You Really Aren't

     This one’s a no brainer, but one of the key ways to make it through the work shift is to keep busy. Time goes by the quickest when you’re running around helping customers, or putting new product on the shelves. However, there’s always going to be some time during the shift where it’s dead enough to make you wonder if the front door is locked.

     It’s during this time when the manager is on the prowl. There are no returns for them to process, no angry customers demanding a 30% discount because of a hairline tear in the product packaging. Managers are going to be looking for projects to do, and they’re going to be looking for you to do them.

     But you want nothing to do with whatever project they may have in mind. I certainly don’t. The slow time is when managers have you rearrange displays, switch around end caps, and print out labels for every single item without a price tag. However, if you look like you’re doing something important, if you look like a new project would do nothing but ruin the flow of your “productivity,” then you can avoid doing something as exhausting as a replenishment run.

     The key to looking busy is to keep moving, and the faster you’re moving, the busier you look. For the love of God, never, ever let the manager catch you standing still. The only time your legs shouldn’t be moving is when you’re either squatting down to straighten up an item on the bottom shelf, or when you’re helping a guest. And God help you if you’re caught standing around talking to another employee, because not only did you screw yourself over, you screwed over your co-worker, and co-workers won’t do anymore favors for you when you screw them over.

     Another fundamental way to look like you’re busy is to clean. Even if you straighten up the same aisle 5 times in the span of an hour, at least you give the manager the impression that you care about the well being of the store. Cleaning is easy. Just pull everything to the front of the shelf, and make sure the products fall under the correct pricing. Also, if there’s any re-shop to be done, simply fill it in as you move along. The nice thing about cleaning is that customers will come to you if they need help, so you don’t have to wander around aimlessly asking the same cute girl if she needs any help 50 times (unless you want to, you creep). And, if the manager asks you why you weren’t going around helping customers, you can tell them you were cleaning. It’s a win win! Plus, cleaning while the store is slow allows for less cleaning at the end of the night, which means you get to go home sooner. And the sooner you get to go home, the sooner you can stop acting like you’re busy.

10 Simple Ways to Stay Off Your Manager's Shit List

1. Do what they tell you to do
2. Laugh at their jokes, no matter how stupid or un-funny they may be
3. Always look like you’re busy
4. Never come in late past the grace period. If you do, make sure you have a list of convincing excuses handy. Just keep in mind that “my alarm didn’t go off” will only work so many times
5. (Discreetly) blame someone else for your mistakes. After all, you’re there to make money, not friends
6. If you’re working the register, never, ever, give the customer the wrong change. If you do, don’t do it more than once a month
7. Figure out your manager’s personality. If they’re completely serious about the job, avoid sarcasm. If they’re arrogant and look down at you all the time, inflate their ego. If they joke around a lot, joke back…just don’t take it to far, or cross “the line”
8. Understand what “the line” is
9. Have at least a minimal understanding of the products you’re selling, even if it only comes down to whether they include batteries or not
10. “Out of sight, out of mind.” If you blend into the sales floor, they wont be able to take their frustrations out on you. Also, they may forget about you completely, which means you wont have to do something you hate, like going out to get carts in the freezing rain. Just make sure to re-appear every so often. Being paged over the PA system is rarely a good thing.