The Holiday Season

     The holidays are the most joyous part of the year, unless of course you are working retail.  Christmas songs become jammed into our skulls. Our social lives all but disappear.  And the once in a while obnoxious customer becomes the every other obnoxious customer. 

     Everyone is the same; everyone waits until the last minute to do their holiday shopping, and worst than that, they wait to do it until late at night when you’re trying to get the store ready for the next day.  What this translates into is thousands of people who are out of time to shop, and are looking to be every employees center of attention.  They expect the fastest most efficient service possible from what are almost always strained, understaffed employees.

     Working retail during the holidays can be even worse if you are employed as a seasonal employee just for the holiday season.  You will undoubtedly be given minimal training and then be expected to fulfill requests without the proper knowledge to do so.

     For example, last year, my first day as a seasonal employee at Toys R Us was Black Friday, which we all know is the single craziest day out of the year. I didn’t know where a single thing was, or how to look anything up, and since I was brand spanking new, it was hard to get other, more experienced employees to stop and help me out. Even this year, when, once again, I was re-hired for the holidays, I was promised to be trained to use the cash register. Now, granted, I’ve had plenty of experience using a cash register, just not at Toys R Us. However, now that I’ve been there for a bit, I’ve come to the realization that not being taught how to use the registers is a blessing in disguise, considering the fact that after ringing up customers for hours on end, most of the cashiers look like they’d rather jump off the nearest bridge, especially after they have to deal with customers who are angry over mispriced items. But couple this with the insane amounts of demands and expectations for customers and you are guaranteed for a stress-filled holiday of employment. And, on top of that, half of the seasonal employees will be laid off after the hours dry up. That’s why I, my friends, try to be the best possible employee I can, especially during the holidays.

5 Ways to Survive the Dreaded Long Shift

Keep Busy

     I’ve already detailed how in a previous post, but keeping busy is the best way to make the time go by faster.

Avoid Looking at the Time.

     

     This one’s a killer. Like they say, “a watched pot never boils,” and that holds especially true for working retail. This has been sort of a mantra for me as I’ve worked retail over the years. The more you stare at the time, the crazier you’ll get, and the less energy and motivation you’ll have to finish the shift.

Eat Something

     You need energy to make it through the day, and something with protein in it works great. Even if you can’t afford to get 5 Guys from the food court, at least bring some sort of snack that you can munch on as the day goes by. Also, keep hydrated, or else you’re going to be crashing even harder.

Interact with Customers

     Just like keeping busy, interacting with customers is essential for making the shift go by quicker. Whether it’s looking for an item, or just shooting the breeze, customers are great for helping to make the time in between your breaks go by faster.

Be Comfortable

     If you’re irritated, you’re not going to enjoy the next 7 and a half hours you have left on the clock. Like I mentioned in the Black Friday post, wear comfortable shoes.  But not only shoes, wear comfortable clothes.  Obviously adhere to whatever dress code you may have, but do so in a way that lets you get through the shift without having to pull up your pants every 5 seconds. 

How to Interact with Customers

     Don’t be weird.  If you lack the social ability to say, “hello, how may I help you,” or to point, then you’re better suited flipping burgers while isolated behind a counter. 

     Working retail is an incredibly sociable job. Those without people skills need not apply, because after all, that’s the meat and potatoes of what retail is all about.  You need to know how to read people, how to gauge their interest in certain products, and how to work them so that they’ll end up spending more money than they originally wanted to.  I know I sound like a typical used car salesman, but they’ve got retail down to a science. But since nobody likes used car salesmen, why not try these simple tips for interacting with customers, especially if you’re new to the job.

Be Friendly

     No one is going to buy anything if you’re too rude to even bother acknowledging the customer.  And not only will they refuse to purchase anything, they’ll go and complain about you to your manager, after which you’ll be in a world of shit.  If you don’t feel like opening your mouth, simply smiling to the customer will go a long ways towards breaking the ice, and at least letting them know that you’re there to help.

Know Your Products

     If you don’t know where things are, or what something does, then you’re really going to frustrate your customers.  Customers hate finding things for themselves, and if you send them on a wild goose chase for something, they’ll end up hating you too. Familiarize yourself with the products in your store.  You can do this by cleaning or putting away re-shop, but at least have a basic understanding of what things do. And if you don’t, ask a co-worker.

Joke Around With Your Customers

     Nothing eases the tension with a total stranger like humor. Customers enjoy interacting with employees they can connect with, or who seem down to Earth. Also, good vibes from a store’s employees is great encouragement for a customer to come back for more.  One of my favorite parts of working retail is shooting the wind with customers.  Not only does it help pass the time, but if a customer really likes you, and is proactive enough, they could deliver some great praise for you to your manager.

     
     In the end, it all comes down to giving the customer what they want. 9 times out of 10, they’re in your store for some sort of purpose or goal. You’re there to help them achieve this goal as seamlessly as possible, so that they can hop right back into their cars and get back to their couches. Where you, of course, wish you could be 

Black Friday

     It may have been almost a month ago, but it’s still the day that haunts every retail employee’s dreams, where we wake up in a cold sweat after having nightmares of angry four-armed customers throwing coupon books at you.  Black Friday, the day where customers are almost always mean, the store is as crowded as a zoo, and your feet get the most intense workout that they will ever have, until the next Black Friday of course.  It’s a day that must’ve been created by the devil himself, so that retail employees who are punished every day out of the year, can be punished even harder on this one dark day. 

     Ok, in all actuality, it’s not that bad.  At least not anymore.  For the last couple Black Fridays I’ve worked, the biggest frustration for me has been finding a place to park my car, especially when I used to work at the mall.  I find that the more Black Fridays you work, the less stressful they become, especially since you have a lot more experience under your belt. 

But for those who are new to the world of retail, Black Friday can be pretty daunting. I remember my first Black Friday. You always remember your first, right? I remember expecting it to be a mob of just wave after wave of relentless customers, but in all reality I spent most of the day wrapping chocolate Santa Clause’s in tissue paper.

     The best way to get through Black Friday, especially if you’re a newbie, is to just be patient and relax.  Customers are like children: if you get worked up, they’ll start to get worked up as well.  Hopefully, you’ll have a capable supervisor who will assign you an area to stick to, so that you’re not left running around all over the 5^th busiest Toys R Us in the world. If this is the case, familiarize yourself with the products in your area, or zone, so that you know what you have and where it is when customers come asking. And if you don’t have an item the customer is looking for, just tell them that it’s Black Friday, and that they should’ve come earlier with all the other maniacs at midnight (or I guess 8:00 Thursday night now).

     Another great way to get through Black Friday is to wear comfortable shoes.  This is a no-brainer for the vets out there, but for the younger guys, this could be easily overlooked.  Although chucks might be in the height of fashion, you’ll be damning them to hell after only an hour of running around on your feet. Shoes with arch support are the way to go, and sometimes, they can be just as stylish.

     But really that’s it. Wear comfortable shoes and be cool. You want to make it through the day with your sanity intact. And if you want to go home early, just think of the nice fat paycheck you’re going to get out of it (after they take out taxes, some of which, like social security, you’ll probably never see, and others like the occupational privilege tax, which is utter b.s). Oh, and bring a drink. Preferably with caffeine. Trust me, on Black Friday, the last thing your manager wants to do is pick you up off the floor.

Bartering

     One of the nice things about working in a large mall is the connections you can make with other retail employees.  You can get free food, store discounts, and stuff put on hold if you know how to play your cards right.  The only problem is, nothing ever comes for free.  “Back scratching” certainly applies to the bartering system that exists in malls, but it comes with its benefits.

     When I was younger, at one of my old jobs (the store is closed now, and has been for several years), I used to be able to trade the food we sold for all sorts of stuff.  There was a nice Indian lady who worked at Auntie Anne’s who used to give me the bulk of their left over pretzels at the end of the night, and whenever I wanted a drink, I could just waltz on over there and get one for free. I could get Mrs. Fields cookies and Cold Stone ice cream, but if I was lucky, I could get something special.

     One time there was a NFL wide receiver who for some reason was signing autographs at a cell phone store.  He has since been charged with accidental vehicular manslaughter and has drifted off into obscurity, but that’s beside the point. One of the guys who worked at the cell phone store just so happened to walk over and tell me about it, and so I bartered for an autograph.  However, to this day I’m still not sure if it’ legit or not, which, unfortunately, is a clear example of the seediness of the mall bartering system.

     Today though I wouldn’t even dream of doing anything remotely like that, but back then, when I was younger and full of apathy towards my employers, it was nice to get free pretzels every once in a while.

Mean Customers

     When it comes to handling mean customers, I find that the whole smile and nod approach is the way to go. They’re always out there though, customers that are so pissed off because of store prices, or a sale they missed out on, or the simple fact that their life sucks, that they have to take out their anger on the poor simpleton with the lanyard.

     I’ve had customers throw products on the floor, yell in my face because we never sold the fruit and nut bar they so desperately wanted, and curse me out, but after years of dealing with mean customers, and seeing how other people deal with them, I’ve learned how to handle situations like those.     Nowadays, if a customer starts to get angry, I honestly start to laugh, because it amazes me how someone would get so worked up in public. I once had a customer who sat on the floor for 10 minutes because they weren’t getting their way with what they wanted. 

     The best way to handle mean customers though is to just be calm.  You getting worked up just as much as them isn’t going to resolve the issue. When customers start to get angry, fall back on the whole “the customer’s always right” thing. Apologize for whatever got the customer pissed off, and then, if you can, put the blame for it on someone else.  “Oh, I’m sorry sir, but my supervisor was the one who put that sale sign there.”

     Or if that doesn’t, work simply get someone else to deal the mean customer. “Maam, I’m just a sales associate, the lowest man on the totem pole, and I don’t know why the assembly fee costs so much, but my manager would be more than happy to explain that to you.”

     Customers yell and get angry just to get what they want. Hell, I’ve done it myself, especially when I’m trying to return something that’s broken and it’s my own fault. The key is to just get them out the door as satisfied as possible, before they start turning off other customers. And then, once they’re gone, you can make fun of them with your co-workers.  At one of my older jobs, we used to keep tallies on a calendar of all of the mean customers we had that day. It gave us something to talk and laugh about later on.

Sampling the Product

     In order to be the best employee you can be, you have to know what you’re selling to  the customers, right? When I worked at the chocolate store, I learned the meaning of temptation.  Here it is, the best chocolates in the world, right in front of you, and if no one notices, you can eat all you want.  I realized though, if I did give in to those temptations, I’d be rolling down the escalators.  It’s hard when you work for a place that sells food, especially when you haven’t eaten in a while.

     Don’t get me wrong though. I did indulge in the Swiss sweets every so often. However, when I did, I made sure to “sample the product” when no one was around, so that nobody could see the fat ass that I really was.  I worked with this one guy one Christmas season who would actively unwrap and eat chocolates in front of customers while he was giving them out as samples.  Let’s just say I made sure not to look like that guy.

     When I worked at Spencer’s, sometimes we’d play around with the cheap toy helicopters we used to sell.  They couldn’t fly for shit, so half the time we crashed them into the displays and dive-bombed our customers ankles. We were all about the party at Spencer’s. But before you ask, no, I did not sample the products we sold in the back of the store. Although occasionally I would have to demonstrate to female customers, to the best of my manly abilities, the proper and most efficient way to use a “personal massager.” Boy that was an interesting job.

     Now that I work at a toy store, I like to fire up the ole Bop It every once in a while. The timeless game of hand-eye coordination is a great way to pass the time at 6 am, when no one in their right mind is shopping for toys. In all honesty, it keeps my brain from turning to mush after I’ve cleaned the same aisle 3 times in a row in order to look busy.  But still, it’s fun to mess around with all the different toys, and press all of the “try me” buttons till the batteries wear out, because after all, who can resist pressing the Hulk’s stomach and hearing him yell “HULK SMASH!” I certainly cant. 

Different Kinds of Managers

     Just like potato chips, no two managers are alike. Although I’ve been in retail for a while, I’ve only had a handful of managers due to the fact that I’ve stuck around at the same few jobs for a while. Despite that though, I still have seen enough of the managerial world to share some of the people I’ve had the “honor” of working for.

The Hard Ass Manager

     

     Don’t F with this guy. Akin to a drill instructor, the hard ass manager wants things done perfectly, on time, and with absolutely no excuses.  The hard ass lives for work, so much so that he’ll bring his pre-teen daughters in to work with you for free.  (Yes, that has seriously happened to me before). If a customer complains to the hard ass and drops your name, you better hide in the back of house until the storm blows over, because if the hard ass catches you making one mistake, your ass is grass.

The I Want to be Your Friend but I’m Still Your Manager, Manager

     

     This manager is incredibly frustrating. One second she’s telling you about her wild vacation in Vegas, the next she’s chewing you out for not selling enough promotional items.  She can be incredibly nice and sweet, but really this manager is trying to save her own ass, and since she is under so much stress to do so, she’ll take all of her frustrations out on you. It’s like working for your mom; only she’s a lot more bipolar than your mom is.

The I Care Just as Little About this Job as You Do Manager

    

     This manager feigns authority. The only time they care about the job is when the district manager is coming in to visit. When that happens, they’ll run around like a headless chicken. When that’s not happening though, they’ll make fun of customers with you while you both sit on the counter. This is the manager you actually hang out with after work, but not too often, because that would be, you know, sort of weird.

The Foreign Manager

     

     When asking for direction from the foreign manager, you pick out key words in order to get the jist of what they want you to do. The culture clash that comes with working with a foreign manager can be rather jarring, especially when you’re doing something perfectly normal in America that can be perceived as insulting on another continent. However, sometimes they can be as sweet as your grandparents. Think of the “I want to be your friend manager,” but with a thicker accent.

The I Have No Effing Clue What I’m Doing Manager

     

     This manager can be a real pain to work for. Newly promoted, and in dire need to prove their new authority, this manager will ask you to do one thing, and then tell you to do another 3 minutes later. They leave the store open when its supposed to have closed, they walk out without setting the alarm, and they yell out orders into the walkie like they’re calling 911 about a house fire. You know you can do a better job than them, and you know that shit rolls down hill, so you do your best to work behind the scenes and get the real job done so that hopefully, you can leave only an hour later than you were supposed to, instead of 2.

The Hot/Cool Manager

    

     The hot manager is a blast to work for. You actively seek direction from them, because that’s an extra 30 seconds that they’re actually talking to you. Typically as cool and down to earth as you are, everyone drools over the hot manager, with competitions and wagers starting up to see who will be the first to get into their pants.  Typically, the hot manager is under so much stress and in need of relief from work that someone will in fact get into their pants, so it’s all a matter of who tries the hardest.  Just be careful though. The proverbial “don’t shit where you eat” rings true for the hot manager, especially if things go sour.

Wall Ball

     When I worked at the Swiss chocolate store in the second largest mall in the country, every so often one of my co-workers and I would play wall ball on the loading docks. Really we were supposed to be grabbing product from the stock room, or throwing away empty boxes, but it was nice to get away from the riff raff for a while and get paid while throwing a tennis ball against a wall.

     The loading dock would be empty and quiet for the most part. Except for the janitors and the occasional fellow disgruntled retail employee smoking a cigarette, it was mostly just us throwing a tennis ball around while my co-worker smoked a cigarette himself. Later on during Christmas time it got to be almost impossible to play around though, especially when the Apple store moved in and cops started hanging out down there. But during the summer time, when shipments were slow and the loading gates were open and the breeze blew in, I got to enjoy being a teenager for a bit, instead of a retail slave.

     Later on our storage room was bought out by Abercrombie and Fitch, and so we moved to another storage area on the same level as the store, so there was no real point in going down to the loading docks. When that happened, I’d ride through the hallways behind all the stores on the box cart that we used to transport both our products and our trash to and from the store. It was fun to just ride at breakneck speed through the back alleys of the mall, crashing into both the walls, and the janitors.

    Now that I’m a bit older, its funny working with teenagers and watching how they too try to make the most out of work, without actually working. There’s something mystical about working your first job. It’s your first real taste of the “real world,” but since you’re still young, it’s still sort of your own world. You do what you want with it, because in all honesty, you don’t really care all that much about it. It’s just money for video games, or a movie ticket, and if the manger fires you for using a dolly as a scooter, it’s not that big of a deal, because you were just using the job as an excuse to get out of the house anyway.

    Being older, when I see younger employees goof off, I scowl with the same intensity as a 60 year old, but then I remember I too was once in their shoes, so that later on, when I’m outside bringing in carts and no one’s around, I’ll hop on the back of one and ride it across the parking lot and into the store.  

How to Handle the Secret Shopper

     Now that you know how to recognize a secret shopper, you need to know how to work with them so that you can get the best possible grade on your evaluation, and then brag about it in front of your co-workers. In order to blow the socks off a secret shopper, you pretty much need to follow those stupid “how to interact with our guests” posters that are pinned up all over the break room. But, if you ignore those posters like everyone else, try doing these things.

• Have fun with the secret shopper. Unless they have a stick up their butt, secret shoppers like it when you interact with them like you would one of your friends. Just don’t drop a bunch of f-bombs or talk about how wasted you were last night. But if you talk with them on a personable level, chances are they’ll go easy on you when they fill out their report.
• Show the secret shopper a variety of different products that will match their needs. Secret shoppers like to have choices, especially since they’re being paid to shop. Also, inform the secret shopper of any promotions or sales you have going on, even if the promotion has absolutely nothing to do with the products they’re interested in.
• Check in with the secret shopper. Once you establish communication with them, don’t just ignore them until they check out. Wait a couple minutes, and then come back at least once and ask them if they need any help or anything like that. Secret shoppers don’t like to be left alone for too long.
• When they go to check out, ask to sign up the secret shopper for the rewards card you’re absolutely fed up with trying to push. If anything, this is one of the most important steps. Ask them if they’re interested in any add-ons or impulse buys, and then once you ring them up, do not give them the wrong change. Finally, thank them and invite them back.

It’s as simple as that. Just do what you’re actually supposed to do with every customer, and you should be fine. Crazy, isn’t it? Just keep in mind that not all secret shoppers can be hardasses who want to ruin your day later. Some are quite talkative if they have nothing better to do in their life other than be a secret shopper. Sometimes they can be pretty fun, and sometimes, they can be just as nervous or bashful as you. One time, I sold a bottle of lube to a secret shopper, and when the evaluation came back, she said that she bought “massage oil.” Something was being massaged all right.

Sniffing Out the Secret Shopper

     Hell hath no fury like a secret shopper.  These undercover spies can get both you and your manager in trouble with a flick of a pen. But let’s be real though, its mostly you that gets in trouble. Especially if you’re the one who had the misfortune of assisting the secret shopper. But, if you’re good enough, if you know what you’re doing and you know how to recognize them, a secret shopper can also mean a free meal ticket from your boss.

     Believe it or not, I’ve scored a 100% on a secret shopper evaluation. I’ve also scored a 60%, but we’re not going to talk about that. The key to getting a good grade on your secret shopper evaluation is being able to sniff them out.  I have a sixth sense when it comes to these people. In all actuality I just remember customers really well, and since secret shopper reports usually have a quick turn around, I try and remember who asked me a bunch of questions a couple days earlier. From this correlation, I’ve come up with a handy list of observations so that you too can have a secret shopper sense of your own. 

• Secret shoppers are almost always women, because lets face it, no man likes to shop, and no man asks a bunch of questions when they do. Men know where everything is, and what everything does. Always.
• Secret shoppers always ask questions. Sure, the typical customer asks a question or two, but those questions are usually limited to “where’s the bathroom,” and “why is this so expensive?” Secret shoppers will ask you specific questions about specific products. “Do you have blank in blank color?” “Are there any special deals if I buy blank and blank?” “My son/daughter really likes blank, but I don’t know what to get them for their blank, what would you suggest other than blank?” If a customer is asking you really poignant questions, chances are you have a secret shopper in your midst.
•  There is only one secret shopper a month, unless the company you work for is really cruel. If your secret shopper evaluation already came, congratulations, you can slack off for the rest of the month. If not, stay on your toes until it does. From what I’ve experienced, secret shoppers come in at random times during the day, but usually they come in later in the month. I guess the logic behind this is that corporate doesn’t want you slacking off if they come in earlier in the month. The people who work at corporate aren’t as dumb as you think they are.
•  Secret shoppers will make a point to learn your name, because after all, they have to put the blame on someone. If they’re not staring at your name badge, then they’re asking for your name, maybe so that they can “fill out a survey” or some b.s like that. If they don’t ask for your name, and you aren’t wearing a badge, they’ll just describe your physical features on their report, and unless you work with fifty other people, it’ll be pretty easy to narrow down who was evaluated.

So now that you know how to recognize a secret shopper, you need to know how to handle them. Read how in the next post!

The Day I Met the Greatest Singer Alive

     Ok, not really. But, I did meet Paula Abdul once. When I was a teenager, I worked at a Swiss chocolate store in the mall near where I live.  Since I was a typical teenager with the typical angst, most of my time was spent sitting on the counter reading comic books when my manager wasn’t around. I also used to hook up an iPod and play my own music through the store’s sound system, so while you were shopping for chocolate bars, you could have enjoyed the smooth serenade of Metallica or Iron Maiden. Needless to say I didn’t have much empathy for this place.

     One typical afternoon while I was working, as I ring up this lady, she tells me that Paula Abdul is in the mall. Showing some genuine curiosity, I ask her where and why. Not knowing why, she tells me she saw her go into the H & M store, which just so happened to have been located a stones throw away from where I worked.  I thanked her for the information, and as she left, I contemplated going to see Paula.

     Despite working in the second largest mall in the United States, rarely did I get the opportunity to see any celebrities.  I think I walked by the great baseball manager Joe Torre one time on the way to the bathroom, and I definitely saw a former contestant from the show “Survivor” go up an escalator while I was going down, but other than that, I’d never had the opportunity to meet a celebrity while I was working.

     With “carpe diem” running through my mind, I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper, took off my apron (my uniform), and briskly walked out of the door and closed the gate. Now, later on down the road I would be promoted to shift supervisor (believe it or not), and would be given keys so that I could lock and unlock the front gate to the store. However, this was well after my meeting with Paula. The guy who did have the keys was out walking around somewhere because he hated working at the chocolate store more than I did, and I knew that if I waited too long for him to come back, I’d miss my chance at scoring an autograph. So, in my teenage naiveté, I figured as long as the gate looked like it was locked, and I left a note, then no one would walk into the store. Right?

     So I walked down to H & M, and much to my disappointment, Paula had left. But alas, I would not give up that easily. I walked in and asked an employee if they knew where Paula had went. After informing me that she overheard her and her posse talking about Sephora, I quickly walked out of H & M, and power walked down to the makeup store, which was, conveniently enough, also a stones throw away from where I worked.

     As I got closer to Sephora, I saw a big guy standing out front, whom I assumed had to be some sort of body guard. So I stood and waited. As I was waiting, I stuck my hands in my pockets and, to my horror, I realized that I still had a box cutter in my pocket from when I was putting out freight.  Just great. The last thing I needed was for Paula’s bodyguard to frisk me or something when I asked her for an autograph. “Chocolate Store Employee Rushes American Idol Judge with Box Cutter” would not have been an ideal way to gain fame. 

     As I contemplated chucking the box cutter in the trash, Paula walked out of Sephora with her posse, and started heading down the hallway. I figured it was now or never.

     I walked up to her saying, “Paula! Paula!” God I felt like a 14-year-old girl. Everyone turned around. “Hey! Can I get an autograph?”

     I shoved the pen and paper into her face. “Sure honey.”

     “You can use my back to sign it,” was what I said next. This must’ve been what Justin Bieber goes through every day.

     “No, that’s ok, I’ll use the wall.” As she signed the paper against the wall, I figured that instead of just standing there like an idiot in front of her friends, I should at least try and make some sort of conversation.

     “Hey Paula,” I said, “I work at a chocolate store down the hallway. You should stop by. I’ll give you a discount!” Now I was pandering to the upper class. Wonderful.

     “Aw, that’s so sweet honey, but I’m trying to avoid sweets.”

     “Ah, ok, well that’s cool.” She handed me my pen and the paper with the signature on it. “Hey thanks Paula!”

     “You’re welcome sweetie.” And then she walked off with her posse into the sunset. Really they probably just walked down to the Abercrombie store, but it sounds cooler that way.

     I looked down at the piece of paper. Lots of love and hugs, Paula Abdul.

     It looked like a four year old scribbled it. I’m pretty sure back then the rumor was that she was an alcoholic on pain meds.

     And no, I didn’t get in trouble for leaving the store unlocked. We didn’t have cameras.

How to Look Busy When You Really Aren't

     This one’s a no brainer, but one of the key ways to make it through the work shift is to keep busy. Time goes by the quickest when you’re running around helping customers, or putting new product on the shelves. However, there’s always going to be some time during the shift where it’s dead enough to make you wonder if the front door is locked.

     It’s during this time when the manager is on the prowl. There are no returns for them to process, no angry customers demanding a 30% discount because of a hairline tear in the product packaging. Managers are going to be looking for projects to do, and they’re going to be looking for you to do them.

     But you want nothing to do with whatever project they may have in mind. I certainly don’t. The slow time is when managers have you rearrange displays, switch around end caps, and print out labels for every single item without a price tag. However, if you look like you’re doing something important, if you look like a new project would do nothing but ruin the flow of your “productivity,” then you can avoid doing something as exhausting as a replenishment run.

     The key to looking busy is to keep moving, and the faster you’re moving, the busier you look. For the love of God, never, ever let the manager catch you standing still. The only time your legs shouldn’t be moving is when you’re either squatting down to straighten up an item on the bottom shelf, or when you’re helping a guest. And God help you if you’re caught standing around talking to another employee, because not only did you screw yourself over, you screwed over your co-worker, and co-workers won’t do anymore favors for you when you screw them over.

     Another fundamental way to look like you’re busy is to clean. Even if you straighten up the same aisle 5 times in the span of an hour, at least you give the manager the impression that you care about the well being of the store. Cleaning is easy. Just pull everything to the front of the shelf, and make sure the products fall under the correct pricing. Also, if there’s any re-shop to be done, simply fill it in as you move along. The nice thing about cleaning is that customers will come to you if they need help, so you don’t have to wander around aimlessly asking the same cute girl if she needs any help 50 times (unless you want to, you creep). And, if the manager asks you why you weren’t going around helping customers, you can tell them you were cleaning. It’s a win win! Plus, cleaning while the store is slow allows for less cleaning at the end of the night, which means you get to go home sooner. And the sooner you get to go home, the sooner you can stop acting like you’re busy.

10 Simple Ways to Stay Off Your Manager's Shit List

1. Do what they tell you to do
2. Laugh at their jokes, no matter how stupid or un-funny they may be
3. Always look like you’re busy
4. Never come in late past the grace period. If you do, make sure you have a list of convincing excuses handy. Just keep in mind that “my alarm didn’t go off” will only work so many times
5. (Discreetly) blame someone else for your mistakes. After all, you’re there to make money, not friends
6. If you’re working the register, never, ever, give the customer the wrong change. If you do, don’t do it more than once a month
7. Figure out your manager’s personality. If they’re completely serious about the job, avoid sarcasm. If they’re arrogant and look down at you all the time, inflate their ego. If they joke around a lot, joke back…just don’t take it to far, or cross “the line”
8. Understand what “the line” is
9. Have at least a minimal understanding of the products you’re selling, even if it only comes down to whether they include batteries or not
10. “Out of sight, out of mind.” If you blend into the sales floor, they wont be able to take their frustrations out on you. Also, they may forget about you completely, which means you wont have to do something you hate, like going out to get carts in the freezing rain. Just make sure to re-appear every so often. Being paged over the PA system is rarely a good thing.

Finding the Perfect (Plastic) Mate

For a couple summers and a holiday season, I worked at a Spencer’s Gifts, selling everything from fake dog poop and baby clothes, to pimp cups and glow in the dark “personal massagers.” “Personal massager” of course being the politically correct term for a vibrator.

We also sold blow up dolls that looked like Miley Cyrus, and Snooki.

Now, the blow up dolls we sold were intended as gag gifts, more for bachelor parties and wild Friday night frat parties, and not passionate lovemaking. Unfortunately, the Indian gentleman who walked into my store one night was not aware of that.

Speaking little to no English, the gentleman walked up to my coworker and me and asks, “You sell sex?” My coworker and I exchanged puzzled looks. “Excuse me?” was all I could honestly muster as a reply.

“I want sex.” With my coworker and I still looking puzzled, the gentleman tried harder to get his point across. “Sex! Sex! I want sex!” This time, however, in order to emphasize his apparent desire for pleasure and satisfaction, he started using obscene hand motions, I guess in recognition of the confusion and shock on our faces.

“Sir, this isn’t a brothel,” was all my co-worker could say to speak the obvious, but the gentleman wasn’t getting it. I told the guy to follow me, and brought him downstairs to the section of the store that makes Spencer’s unfriendly with nuns and police officers. Most of the products we sold though, were intended for women, so unfortunately for him, all I could show him was this hand held silicon mouth looking thing that made me laugh to myself every time I rung one up. “It’s a gag gift,” people would tell me. Right.

Unfortunately for me though, that was not what he was looking for.

“No, no, I want girl!” Apparently someone gave him the wrong idea when it came to Spencer’s line of adult products.

So, I showed him the girls. I showed him Miley, Fergie, Snookie, J-Lo, Lady GaGa, and even the midget and the fat chick. Finally, his curiosity perked up as he examined the box for Snookie. “But sir,” I tried to explain, “these are gag gifts. You know, ‘ha ha?’ It’ll hurt if you use it for…you know.” But apparently we were both utterly lost in translation.

“I buy,” he said.

“But sir…”

“I buy!” The customer’s always right. Right? So I rung him up, tried to sell him lube, and then laughed with my co-worker after he left the store.

Then the next day, he comes back, and tries to return Snookie, who is literally bursting out of the box. That was when my amusement turned into utter disbelief.  Of course we wouldn’t let him return it, knowing full well what he must’ve done with the poor gal the night before.  So he buys the fat chick.

And the next day, he tries to return her. I guess love really is hard to find. And I swore I  thought both Punk’d and Candid Camera weren’t on TV anymore

Working in Retail Sucks

     You know that. I know that.  No one ever walks away from a day of “customer service” without wanting to drink away all the demanding customers and angry managers with a six pack of cheap beer.  If you’re like me, you can’t wait until you finally have a real job, far away from the shopping complex, making enough money so that you can buy the store you used to work for, and replace all of your old co-workers with hot blondes in bathing suits. But until that day comes, you and I will be grinding away our shoe soles on the sales floor, making fun of customers behind the cash register, and taking naps in the stock room.

     Believe me, with almost ten years of experience working retail, I’ve done and seen it all.   I’ve played wall ball on the loading docks. Bartered my own products for cookies and Auntie Anne’s Pretzels. I’ve closed my store in the middle of the day so I could chase down Paula Abdul for an autograph, and sold sex toys to women twice my age.

     But I’ve also scored a 100% on a secret shopper evaluation, earned promotions and raises, and have been kept on to work after the holidays.

     I have created this blog in order to share my stories with you, the low man on the totem pole, the guy or gal working fifteen hours one week, and four the next. Why? Because you and I are exactly alike.  We clock in, and clock out. We do our job, collect our bi-weekly paychecks and leave. But every so often, something happens during the shift that can’t possibly go unshared. We have stories to spin, adventures to tell, and we’ll be damned if our voices aren’t heard, even though they usually aren’t. We have also come across tips and tricks in order to make it through the day, and impress our supervisors with only a smidge of brown on our noses.

     Expect new tales, tips, and even “promotional” tale-tip combos every other day, as you come to my blog to read my retail yarns, and take in my advice. But just like the store manager and the employee of the month, don’t let me be the only one talking. Share your own words! I’m only one person, and although I have a wealth of tales and tips to share, I’m positive you do as well. So do not be afraid to comment on my posts and let your voice be heard, because if there is one thing us retail employees enjoy more than our lunch break, it’s reveling in other peoples misery.